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Brushing life aside

3 November 2018

4 months in following diagnoses and the emotions and coping strategies compete for attention. the initial euphoria has progressed to unfathomable gloom.Going out is not so simple as putting a coat on, anticipated anxiety creates road blocks which have just made themselves evident. I crave understanding and love but do not seek it, I feels as though I am a contestant on some surreal game show " Hello my name is Mair and I have MS" I wonder if I should get badges made!

Golly what a gripe! Things could be so very much worse. I'm frightened and unsure, It seems some people I have spoken to are putting obstacles in my way, their way of dealing with it I suppose, people will always pigeon hole, it keeps their world safe and ordered. I have no desire for safe and have never been particularly ordered. I must now take stock and trust myself to make the right descisions. Just for a time. I have considered suicide but it is so final and without option. 

I think a grief reaction to this diagnoses is perfectly healthy and I will not allow my mind to play tricks on me. Negative thought processes are part of the gift of thought, recognising them for what they are is part of offloading a sort of smudging for the mind. We are blessed with so many skills and strategy, overthinking is not a useful tool beckoning fear and doubt. I shall seek out someone wise and clever to help assimilate the confusion and inclarity.

I value this oppertunity to vent and redirect my pain. I have spent enough time down this hole and wish to climb out and start to have some fun, 

There are many ways to address this malady and address it I must. I was happy enough to accept the diagnoses, I would like my life back now 

Not too much to ask, may be a little differant but it is not something to get 'over' it is something to absorb, my heart has been broken before and no doubt will be broken again. I have love and support and will use them to guide me. The warrior remains and needs to get back into position!


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