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Robot Legs or Jelly Legs??

27 August 2015

Sometimes I curse the spasticity in my legs. I get out of bed and seriously walk like a robot, an old fashioned one at that. Nothing bends, my legs are so stiff. Eventually they warm up to the point where my muscles give a little and you can't tell I'm not human. Normally as the day wears on the spasticity increases again and I'm back to walking like a robot.

Sometimes my knees don't bend? It's like they forget how. Often at work I drop things. I hate the thought of picking them up. I'm always self conscious about how I'm going to do this. If my knees decide to bend and co-operate, I thank my stars. Yay! People won't give me a second glance. If they don't, there is this stiff legged woman trying to retrieve an object from the floor. Usually as chance would have it, this occurs in front of many witnesses. I look like an idiot. It's a long process or that's what it feels like to me, cause I fumble to actually pick up the object then I drop it once or twice more, just for good measure.

However, I would much rather this spasticity in my legs. I feel solid. I'm not going to fall over, my legs won't let me. I feel safe, I feel grounded.

When I'm seriously physically fatigued, I get what I call jelly legs. They unfortunately frighten me. I'm a pretty tough old girl not much scares me but the thought of falling does (simply cause, I've had the pleasure of broken bones and snapped ligaments, from tripping over and falling out my back door). Usually I  get jelly legs after I've done to much, like working five shifts in a row. This is one of the reasons I went part time. I don't manage. So to avoid this I try to do no more than four shifts in a row. This doesn't always happen and sometimes I'm stupid enough not to ring in sick. As a consequence I pay the price.

It's a horrible feeling, like my legs are just going to give out on me at any moment. It terrifies me. My legs go wobbly. I feel them as I take each step. They are like pieces of wet spaghetti, they are not solid, they are not stable. They frighten me. I need to just sit and not be walking around. I don't trust these legs. I don't trust them at all.

It's an interesting phenomenon when you can't trust your own body.

So as much as I curse my robot legs, I know which I'd prefer. Give me spasticity any day. I don't want jelly legs, I don't like them. I hate them. They frighten me. At least my robot legs make me feel relatively stable. My robot legs are solid. I trust them. Unless of course I trip over something invisible, which is another story for another day and really, I can't blame my robot legs for this.

Comments (1)

Thanks for writing this Rebecca. I hate spasticity and the feeling of being unstable. The not knowing when they are going to go the other way and all of a sudden you are grabbing something to stable yourself. x