Scratching The Darkness
As terrible as it is, I must admit I am failing at my chance to seize the day, simply because I’m just to exhausted to care. I hate to say it but life is passing me by. I’m just a mere spectator in the sport called life because I don’t have the energy to participate.
Simply put, I have just enough energy to go to work and do a shift. I know I have talked about this before but people just don’t get it. I don’t have energy for anything else, except work. My lifestyle has seriously changed and my quality of life has seriously diminished because of this. Some days, I don’t even have the energy I need to work and do a great job. I’m exhausted before I begin. Just washing my hair, drying my hair, dressing, driving to work. I’m done. On these days I struggle through as best I can.
Sometimes, well all the time lately, walking to my car after a shift is bloody torture. Especially if I have to park in a car park that might as well be in the next galaxy, it’s a ridiculous trek when your legs don’t want to play. I know there are people that look at me like I’m just lazy. I see the looks that fly between people but I’m not, it is a struggle, whether or not I’m in a close car park or one in a galaxy far, far away. When I get to my car, I have to seriously think about lifting my left leg to get in because it doesn’t lift high enough, unless I’m really thinking about it and concentrating on it. I’m sick of tripping into my car, suffice to say I’m surprised I haven’t cracked a bone yet. Then when I make it home, I have two steps to the front door. Simple right? Ummm nope. Something that should be automatic, is no longer. I have to really focus to lift my legs, sometimes after several false starts and some wall holding I make it. I must look pretty crazy to anyone, who is awake and looking out their window. Yay! Like I need to be anymore crazy right? But then there is the key in the door trick. We wont go there.
I know it sounds petty to you the reader. I’m still walking and still working, what have I got to whine about? But its these little things that get me down, just constant little reminders of what MS has taken from me. When I’m exhausted nothing works like it should. My nerve signals get all mixed up and don’t fire right. Throw in heat intolerance and my body is a heap of trash. All I do is work, I have no social life anymore, I'm to exhausted. Nothing is simply automatic, everything I do needs to be thought about, which requires more energy. It’s a vicious cycle. I despise it.
These days I find myself thinking about the future, my life is ruled by uncertainty and anxiety in relation to my working life and my life in general. I have stumbled upon a career I love but I know I can’t work like this for the next twenty something years, it is simply put, physically impossible. I will be lucky to make another five years. Then I have endless worries about what am I going to do? How will I survive and live, let alone anything else?
Once upon a time, I had some measure of security, these days I don’t have this and I truly miss it. I only have myself to rely on. There is no-one else. I’m it. There is nobody but me to pay the bills and let’s face it, they need to be paid. Lately I am finding this stress quiet overwhelming. I know there are no certainties in life, mine being no different to any one else’s. I’m not seriously ill or dying, I should be ever thankful and grateful. I shouldn’t be complaining but at the present, I am drowning. I wish someone could save me, a knight in shining armour perhaps but wait this isn’t one of those fairy tales where everyone ends up with a happily ever after, its life and seriously I know no-one can help me but myself. I’m sick of struggling just to do stuff I once could. I know I simply shouldn’t let it become a problem in my life but it is, I think about it day in and day out.
Seriously, I’m an intelligent person but when I’m exhausted I only think in terms of black and white, there are no grey areas. No in betweens. Everything looks far worse than it is. My fears, anxieties and uncertainties become magnified, they creep into my existence and multiply, lurking around every corner. Thinking about things I could do and should be able to do only intensify my feelings of being inadequate, which in turn intensifies my quilt and anxiety concerning the future. I know I’m super exhausted, thank the stars I am on holidays now. I hope with some serious rest and relaxation my life and working future will look vastly different?
I am scratching the darkness currently but I’m lucky enough I can still see the light. Sometimes those little glimmers are often the most amazing slivers of hope and I will not give up or in but I sometimes wonder how much someone has to endure? And why is everything so damn hard? This is not what I call living? But it is the crazy thing we call life….
“ONLY IN THE DARKNESS CAN YOU SEE THE STARS…” Martin Luther King Jr